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Been awhile...   
09:59pm 25/02/2010
  Forgot even had this thing!  

(death was on sale today)

New Rules!   
08:40am 09/03/2007
   New Rules! Now that a new study has confirmed that this younger generation has way too much self-esteem, parents must start telling their kids every day that they're stupid and lazy.
And I'd like to add that you're also uninformed, obsessed with your looks, lack moral standards, and dress like a whore.
And what are you doing Saturday?

New Rule: Shorten the Oscars by getting rid of Live Action Short, Animated Short, Documentary Short.
Why should your 12-minute movie make our TV show take four hours? Give them their own special night and air it only in Hungary, Germany and Quebec.
The apparent mega-hubs of the short film industry.
Have it hosted by a violinist, a Holocaust survivor and a bear made out of clay. And make it four minutes long.

New Rule: The Chinese community must explain why Chinese restaurants are never open for breakfast.
There's a billion of you. You can't all be sleeping in.
I'll make you a deal. You tell me why you're not open for breakfast, and I'll tell you how to get back on the freeway.
I kid the Asians.
I got mad love for the Asians.
Don't write me.

And finally, New Rule: If you don't think your daughter getting cancer is worse than your daughter having sex, you're doing it wrong. 
Last year, modern medicine came up with a way to greatly reduce cervical cancer in young women. It's a vaccine that can virtually wipe out the sexually-transmitted disease called HPV, which leads to the cancer.
But not everyone is pleased with this vaccine.
There are Christian values groups and churches nationwide who are fighting it.
Briget Maher – no relation–and none planned – formerly of the Family Research Council– says giving girls the vaccine is bad because– quote – "the girls may see it as a license to engage in pre-marital sex."
Hey, Mrs. Maher, let me tell you something. Your daughter is already on the Internet exchanging bondage fantasies with a German boy she met on MySpace.
Forget HPV. She's on to S&M.
And Mrs. Maher, I'm sure I don't have to tell you there's only one foolproof method to make a woman abstinent: marry her.
So, let's review here. HPV is a new STD that the CDC wants teens vaccinated for PDQ.
And that's not sitting well with the Harper Valley PTA.
They think if a teenage girl feels a little prick, she's going to want to feel a whole lot more.
But, HPV shots don't cause promiscuity. Tequila shots do. And MTV. And having moron parents you want to escape from.
Hey, when you're 15 years old, breathing encourages sexual activity.
But, let's be frank. These values groups aren't just against the HPV shot. They're against family planning and condoms and morning-after pills.
They want to make sure sex is as dangerous as possible, so that kids know if they sleep around and get an STD, that's God teaching them a lesson. And that lesson is: "You should never have tried out for 'American Idol' in the first place!"
Now, I know our kids are dumb.
I just read it in a New Rule.
But, will they really have sex with anything that moves just because they know there's a vaccine?
People don't get the vaccine for typhoid and say, "Great, now I can drink the sewer water in Bombay!"
It's like being against a cure for blindness because it'll encourage masturbation!
It's like being for the salmonella poisoning in peanut butter because it will discourage weirdos from spreading it on their ass and calling the dog!
If this is the nonsense you're teaching your kids, they're already screwed. 

New Rule: The mannequins at the Nike Workout Store must either sprout a penis or lose the boobs.
I'm there to pick up a new pair of sneakers, not a post-op tranny.
And if all I wanted was to have sex with myself, I wouldn't bother working out to begin with.

New Rule: You can't call yourself a "Diva" unless you're a plus-size and extremely talented.
Aretha Franklin is a diva.
Jennifer Hudson, a diva in training.
You, on the other hand, are a 17-year-old white girl from Orange County whose daddy gave you a 280-Z for your birthday.
If you act like a diva but don't sing, you're what opera lovers just call "a bitch."
This has been a Black History Month Moment.

And finally, New Rule: Hillary Clinton will never be president as long as women keep acting crazy.
Now, I know this is not fair. Men don't have to answer for every time Mel Gibson gets drunk and channels Hitler. Or Charlie Sheen hits a hooker over the head with another hooker.
But, the truth is, there are too many misogynists out there just itching for any excuse to say that women are too emotional and unstable to be president.
I mean, you know how these guys think: women are ruled by their hormones. As opposed to what a president should be ruled by: the oil and gas lobby.
Believe me, there are men out there who think a woman president might get PMS and do something completely rash, like start a war with the wrong country.
So...so when Britney Spears shaved her head on an impulse last week, all I could think was one thing.
Well, after I thought, hey, the drapes finally match the carpet. But, after that, all I could think of, was that between now and 2008, every time a prominent woman goes bat-shit, it's just going to give ammunition to the 34% of Americans who say this country is not ready for a woman president.
And, Paula Abdul, I'm sorry, you're not helping!
Astronaut lady with the diapers... Huggies, we have a problem.
Now, I'm not saying Mariah Carey could cost Hillary this election. I'm just saying that until November 2008, we're going to have to sweep up the usual suspects. After that, you can go back to acting out all you want.
But until then, Courtney Love has to be chained to a rehab radiator.
Lindsay Lohan, "Drink Canada Dry" is a slogan, not a dare.
And Anna Nicole Smith, you need to get your ass buried! You're decomposing faster than CNN's reputation! You are literally late for your own funeral!
And Paris Hilton, I know you're probably really a sweet girl, but you'll have to be euthanized. You're the ringleader. We've got to cut the head off.
And, of course, above all, no one – no one marries Tom Cruise.
It just seems to me that we may be on the brink of the female presidency version of a Jackie Robinson moment, which I would love to see in my lifetime.
So I've said it before and I'll say it again: "Bill Maher has no problem pulling his lever for a woman." 

 New Rules. That's right. New Rules.
[slide of Rev. Ted Haggard]
Oh, and there he is, Ted Haggard. 
Well, you can't make a gay man 100% straight in less than a month, especially if that month contains Fashion Week.
A month to change your sexuality?
I spent longer than that on hold trying to quit AOL!
Guys like Ted Haggard can't just claim to be cured of homosexuality. They should be forced to blow into some sort of "Dickalyzer."
FERGUSON: Why was there a picture of me when you said, "Dickalyzer?" Why?!
MAHER: Because--
FERGUSON: Am I a Dickalyzer to you?! Suddenly, I'm the Dickalyzer! Kids are going to call me that on the street!
MAHER: I'm -- I'm trying to get you're your citizenship.
FERGUSON: Oh, all right.

New Rule: Activists have to stop preying on my liberal sympathies outside of Whole Foods.
I know my signature is vital to the anti-war movement, clean needle programs, music in schools, a free Tibet, and the fight against autism in gay polar bears...But I just need some hummus and a can of pinto beans.
For $37.00.
And if you're going to keep shoving clipboards in my assistant's face, how is she going to do my shopping?!

New Rule: Members of Congress have to stop referring to the other party as their "friend from the other side of the aisle."
Please, you're a Republican from Mississippi; he's Barney Frank. You two aren't friends. You're a reality show on Fox.
In the future, just be a man about it and say, "I yield back my time to that little shit from North Carolina who won't shut up about Nancy Pelosi's plane."

And finally, New Rule: There's more to being smart than just not misspeaking.
A couple of weeks ago, Senator Joe Biden's presidential campaign hit the ground flopping when he described Barack Obama as "articulate and clean." But if you think he's a racist, you're just playing "gotcha." 
Yes, the remark was cringe-worthy. It always is when someone old and out of touch says something creepy.
Even a Chinaman knows that!
However, when it comes to the most important issue of the day, it was this same Joe Biden who recognized first that Iraq was going to end up three countries, and that that wasn't necessarily a bad thing. And I agree.
So what if Iraq gets broken up. It's a made-up country anyway.
There's only been an Iraq since 1932. It's seven years younger than Paul Newman.
So, the guy who gets it on the big issue of the day, he can't run because he said a black man was "clean."
And we care more about a one-second verbal brain fart than we do about who has the right answers.
Howard Dean has been a virtual Nostradamus on predicting what would happen in Iraq from the beginning, but he can't be president because he once shouted, "Yee-haw!"-- two decibels above what we, as Americans, know to be the appropriate level for "Yee-haw!" He's out.
He screamed louder than the crowd screaming at him.
And the media acted like grandpa just yelled out the "n" word at a ballgame.
John Kerry just botched a joke.
But it was about the troops. [does falsetto gasp]
So John Kerry, another guy who gets it about how to fight terrorism, he has to go away.
Which I'm actually okay with, because watching him run again would be like watching Rex Grossman play another Super Bowl.
This is why I say every candidate must come out now and say or do the stupidest thing they possibly can, and get it out of the way! 
Hillary Clinton must mispronounce South Carolina, "Mouth Vagina."
Barack Obama must tell people he's - quote - "bigger than Jesus."
Mitt Romney must pledge allegiance to the "fag."
Rudy Giuliani has to declare at a press conference that he's cheating on his wife, but it's okay because he's undergoing cancer treatment and he can't get an erection anyway... Oh, he did? My bad.
So, does this mean that Joe Biden or Howard Dean should automatically be president? Of course not.
But next time some real nasty shit happens to this country, remember, it might have something to do with our election process having turned into an episode of "Survivor."

(death was on sale today)

03:49pm 20/11/2006
  New Rule: Someone has to explain to President Bush that a timetable doesn't involve him actually having to know his times tables.
I finally figured out the problem. Someone suggests "timetable" and he thinks, "6 times 9; 8 times 7...f*** it, no way, stay the course."

New Rule: Tell your kid to stop staring at me.
I just watched you cave in to each of his in-flight demands, for his Teddy Grahams, his sippy-cup, his "gankie." And now you're going to let him turn around and eyeball me for a half-hour.
Geez, you'd never think he's seen a guy get a handjob on a plane before.

New Rule: Let the Bush twins have a cocktail.
You know, every time one of the Bush twins is spotted with a drink, somebody puts a picture of it on the Internet.
Who cares?!
You don't worry about a Bush when they're drinking. Worry about them when they get sober!
These girls are 24, and I, for one, applaud their self-control.
If my dad were President Bush, I'd be drunk in public so often, James Baker would have me killed.

(death was on sale today)

09:47pm 16/11/2006
  New Rule: Stop calling what Dick Cheney does "hunting."
Cheney spent election day in Pierre, South Dakota, massacring small, tame animals that someone tossed in front of his gun.
The only good news was it was the first time in months you heard a Republican was in Pierre, and Pierre wasn't a little boy.

New Rule: Put the LAPD in charge of Iraq.
Someone yesterday filmed an L.A. cop punching a suspect in the face, and posted it on YouTube.
Even more horrifying, then two Chinese kids come in and start lip-synching to the Backstreet Boys.
Now, we know L.A. cops can handle erratic, Jew-hating fanatics. They caught Mel Gibson!

New Rule: There is no devil, so stop blaming your screw-ups on him.
Last week - last week, one of the biggest evangelical leaders in America, the Reverend Ted Haggard, was outed for drugs and extramarital gay sex with a male prostitute.
Or as Fox News reported it, "John Kerry hates our troops."
Now, this was big news because Reverend Haggard was frequently at the White House and a big fan of President Bush, who he described as "tan, supple and firm where it counts."
And as president of the National Association of Evangelicals, Haggard presided over 45,000 churches and was a rock star for the Christian right. And like a rock star, he was getting his freak on a lot.
Sometimes, the sodomy left him so exhausted he could barely use idiotic, old fairy tales to get people's money.
Yes, Reverend Haggard was leading a shameful double life. But, hey, you can't keep being an evangelist - you can't keep being an evangelist secret forever.
I could have done that joke better. All right.
Now, I bring this up because I believe it connects deeply to the Republican rout this week.
They lost because they came to represent the opposite of everything they were supposed to be. Competent? No. Spendthrift? Hardly. Ethical? Rarely. And the last straw was when the party that was at least supposed to be carrying the water for the gay bashers turned out to be a closet full of repressed screamers.
Who knew when the Republicans got in bed with the Christian right, it would be in a stall inside of a truck stop restroom on the New Jersey Turnpike?
Reverend Haggard's plight led many to ask, "Is it genetic? I mean, can a man actually be born a hypocrite?"
Because Ted Haggard was the leader of a mega-church. And mega-churches are presided over by the same skeevy, door-to-door Bible salesmen that we've always had, just in an age of better technology.
But they're selling the same thing: fear.
Fear to keep you in line. And to get your money.
And it's not a coincidence the Republican Party has, in recent years, operated in the same way. It's also no coincidence that people of too much faith just don't see reality.
Bush not seeing Iraq for what it is, is not that different from the way Reverend Ted's followers still think he's not gay.
I'm not kidding.
In their world, there are no gay people. There are just straight people who are sinning.
They don't want to do it, but the Devil makes them!
He targets people like Reverend Ted. That's how it happened.
The Devil got hold of Reverend Ted, and Ted said, "Get thee behind me, Satan! And put it in, gently."
Come on, the man was anointing people with Astroglide! He was preaching "fire and rhinestone!"
In conclusion, I'd just like to say, on this historic week, that the legacy of the religious right will be that, despite their holy pretenses, they made politics not cleaner, but dirtier.
Because when you're so sure you're right, you wind up acting so wrong.
And as for Reverend Ted himself, the good news is that he is in full recovery, and says he'll be receiving both spiritual advice and guidance.
The bad news is, it's from Andy Dick.

(death was on sale today)

08:34pm 06/11/2006
  New Rule: Stop hassling me about my Halloween costume.
[photo of Maher in Dead Steve Irwin costume]
Yes, you've seen it on the Internet. I went as the Crocodile Hunter with the bloody stinger in my chest.
Because people who really love animals understand that if you get killed by one, chances are you were doing something to it you shouldn't have been.
You want me to apologize for making a joke? Who do you think I am? John Kerry?

New Rule: You can't write your autobiography if you haven't done anything.
Kevin Federline says he's going to write the story of his life before Britney.
Great. Three hundred pages of a guy smoking weed and playing X-Box. Look out, Tom Wolfe.
I guess, now that K-Fed has conquered the music world, he wants to see if he can get booed off stage at a book signing.
A spokesman for the letter "J" said, "If this book is published, the alphabet will sue for slander."

New Rule: No more public marriage proposals.
When you hire a skywriting plane, or propose to your girlfriend at a ballgame, every unmarried woman is looking at her man like, "Well..."
And you're not helping the married men, either, whose wives are remembering how they proposed to them in flip-flops, cargo shorts and a "Who Farted?" tee-shirt. By saying, "What the hell, I'm going bald anyway."

New Rule: Stop repackaging old crap and trying to pawn it off as something new.
Disney has released a two-disc platinum edition of "The Little Mermaid," digitally restored, because who could make out what's happening in the original, black-and-white kinescope?
This shameless hyping of previously-released material, now with additional content, is the very kind of thing I should have lampooned in New Rules: Polite Musings from a Timid Observer, now available in paperback.

New Rule: If you forgot to buy Halloween candy, just say so. Don't hand out random crap from your kitchen.
Last year, there was a guy on our block who was handing out batteries and mini-packets of soy sauce.
I got so pissed, I had half a mind to poke him in the eye with my fairy wand. [photo-shopped photo of Maher in fairy costume]

MAHER: New Rule: Stop calling homosexuality an unnatural act. [photo of elk "threesome"]
Look, here it is occurring in nature.
As it does in over 1,500 animal species, including humans.
You want to see an unnatural act? Go see Cirque du Soleil.

New Rule: Women must admit that Halloween is just an excuse to dress like a whore.
Ladies, nurses don't wear fishnet stockings. Kittens don't own pushup bras. And real French maids don't shave their underarms.
Now — now, don't get me wrong. I'm all for women getting in touch with their "inner slut," but, 'fess up, Halloween has become less about candy and more about the "Haunted Ho's."
Besides, if I've got a steady stream of half-dressed tarts showing up at my door all night, how will I know when my date arrives?
I'm glad I'm not running for senator in Tennessee.

New Rule: The next Republican National Convention must be held in a giant closet.
Every week, there's a new gay Republican outed.
I have a feeling that big tent they're always talking about is in their pants!
There are so many Republicans in the closet, their symbol shouldn't be an elephant; it should be a moth!

New Rule: America must stop bragging that it's the greatest country on earth and start acting like it.
Now, I know — I know this is uncomfortable for the faith-over-facts crowd, but the greatness of a country can, to a large degree, be measured.
Here are some numbers: Infant mortality rate, America ranks 48th in the world; overall health, 72nd; freedom of the press, 44; literacy, 55th.
Do you realize there are 12-year-old kids in this country who can't spell the name of the teacher they're having sex with?
Now, America, I will admit, has done many great things: making the New World democratic comes to mind, the Marshall Plan, curing polio, beating Hitler, the deep-fried Twinkie.
But what have we done for us lately?
We're not the freest country. That would be Holland, where you can smoke hash in church, and Janet Jackson's nipple is on their flag.
And, sadly, we're no longer a country that can get things done, either.
Not big things, like building a tunnel under Boston or running a war with competence.
We had six years to fix the voting machines. Couldn't get that done.
The FBI is just now getting email!
Prop 87 out here in California is about lessening our dependence on oil by using alternative fuels, and Bill Clinton comes on at the end of the ad and says, "If Brazil can do it, America can, too."
Excuse me, since when did America have to buck itself up by saying we could catch up to Brazil?!
We invented the airplane and the lightbulb.
They invented the bikini wax, and now they're ahead?!
In most of the industrialized world, nearly everyone has health care.
And hardly anyone doubts evolution.
And, yes, having to live amid so many superstitious dimwits is also something that affects quality of life.
It's why America isn't going to be the country that gets the inevitable patents in stem cell cures, because Jesus thinks it's too close to cloning!
Oh, and did I mention we owe China a trillion dollars?
We owe everybody money. America is a debtor nation to Mexico!
We're not on a bridge to the 21st century. We're on a bus to Atlantic City with a roll of quarters.
WHITMAN: Take those — bring those quarters to Atlantic City, yes.
MAHER: And this is why it bugs me that so many people talk like it's 1955 and we're still number one in everything.
We're not.
And I take no glee in saying this, because I love my country, and I wish we were.
But when you're number 55 in this category and number 92 in that one, you look a little silly waving the big foam "Number One" finger.
As long as we believe being the greatest country in the world is a birthright, we'll keep coasting on the achievements of earlier generations and we'll keep losing the moral high ground.
Because we may not be the biggest or the healthiest or the best educated. But we always did have one thing no other place did. We knew soccer was bulls***.
And...and we also had a little thing called the Bill of Rights.
A great nation doesn't torture people or make them disappear without a trial.
Bush keeps saying the terrorists hate us for our freedom. And he's working damn hard to see that pretty soon that won't be a problem.

Now it's time—you were very, very good to stay for us—New Rules!
Just because you're drunk and it's October, it doesn't make it Octoberfest.
When you drink in November, it's not Novemberfest.
It's just Thanksgiving and you hate your relatives.
Besides, we already know what happens when people get drunk and start acting like Germans. [slide of Mel Gibson's mug shot] Suddenly controversial.

New Rule: Stop pretending this is an exercise machine.
[slide of Japanese horseback simulation machine, JOBA]
The newest fitness craze in Japan is the JOBA, a horseback simulation machine.
Doesn't anyone in that country just fuck anymore?

New Rule, in two parts: A) You can't call yourself a think tank if all your ideas are stupid. And B), if you're someone from one of the think tanks that dreamed up the Iraq War, and who predicted that we'd be greeted as liberators, and that we wouldn't need a lot of troops, and that Iraqi oil would pay for the war, that the WMD's would be found, that the looting wasn't problematic, and the mission was accomplished, that the insurgency was in its last throes, that things would get better after the people voted, after the government was formed, after we got Saddam, after we got his kids, after we got Zarqawi, and that the whole bloody mess wouldn't turn into a civil war...you have to stop making predictions!
You know, there's a name for people who are always wrong about everything all the time: husbands.
You know, it's a shame what happened to think tanks.
They used to produce valuable, apolitical analysis. But partisanship crept into many of them.
And the Bush Administration doesn't just come up with something as stupid as "If we leave now, they'll follow us home."
No, they have someone from a think tank say it first.
It's a way to lend respectability.
The same reason a titty bar has food. I hear.
The think tanks that incubated the Iraq war have lofty names like the Heritage Foundation and the Project for a New American Century.
They've been wrong so often, I'm surprised they're not my broker.
Richard Perle thought we could win Iraq with 40,000 troops. Paul Wolfowitz predicted, in 2003, that within a year, the grateful people of Baghdad would name some grand square in their fine city after President Bush. And he was right when he said they'd be waving American flags. They were on fire.
William Kristol pooh-poohed the fears that Sunnis and Shiites would be at each others' throats, as "the stuff of pop psychology."
And having your head chopped off is just a quick way to drop 11 pounds.
Kristol, of course, is revered by much of the right because he was Dan Quayle's chief of staff, and was known as "Quayle's Brain."
You know that.
Which sounded impressive until I remembered Dan Quayle didn't have a brain.
And now, Mr. Kristol proposes immediate military action against Iran, predicting the Iranians will thank us for it.
Hey, you know what, Nostrodamus? Why don't you sit this one out?
We'll get by using the Magic Eight Ball for a while.
Because you guys have been so wrong about so much for so long, people are actually turning to the Democrats. So, we can say Iraq was a noble experiment, if that helps you.
Our intention was good: to penetrate Iraq and bring it to a glorious, euphoric climax.
But it's clear now that's just not going to happen. And yet we're still pounding away.
Causing the whole area to become painfully inflamed. And in that situation, the kindest thing you can do is...just pull out.

New Rule: Men don't care how expensive your bra is.
They just need to know if it unfastens in the front or the back.
The Victoria's Secret Christmas catalogue features a $6.5 million diamond-studded bra. And, guys, it's the perfect bra for mistresses because she's almost guaranteed not to leave it in your truck.

New Rule: Mel Gibson can't do another major TV interview unless he's rip-roaring drunk.
Mel, enough of this guy who talks about "healing" and explains why he's not a "monster," and how he feels "powerless" over everything.
Sounds like someone's spent too much time in rehab listening to their Jew therapist.
Now, get your Nazi mojo back, Mr. Braveheart-and march back out there and call Diane Sawyer "sugar tits."

New Rule: Restaurants can't make you wait until the rest of your party has arrived.
Any restaurant that makes you wait is calling you a liar.
They're saying, "You have five friends?" "Yeah, we'll see."
Listen up, Miss Drunk-with-power-restaurant-hostess, when I say my friends are on the way, they're on the way. So either show me to a table, or this is the last time I celebrate my birthday at Chuck E. Cheese.

New Rule: If you think the worst thing Congress doesn't protect young people from is Mark Foley, then wake up and smell the burning planet.
The - the ice caps are cracking, the coral reefs are bleaching, and our poisoned groundwater has turned spinach into a "side dish of mass destruction."
Read the labels on your food. It turns out the healthiest thing you can put in your body is Mark Foley's penis.
But that's America for you: a red herring culture, always scared by the wrong things.
The fact is, there are a lot of creepy, middle-aged men out there lusting for your kids. They work for MTV, the pharmaceutical industry, McDonald's, Marlboro, and K Street.
And recently, there's been a rash of strangers making their way onto school campuses and targeting your children for death. They're called military recruiters.
More young Americans were crippled in Iraq last month than any month in the last two years.
And the scandal is that Mark Foley wants to show them a good time before they go?
When will our closeted gay congressmen learn, our boys aren't for pleasure, they're for cannon fodder?
Why aren't Democrats and the media hammering away every day about who we're supposed to be fighting for over there, and what the plan is?
Yes, Mark Foley was wrong to ask teenagers how long their penis was. But at least someone on Capitol Hill was asking questions.
You know who else is grabbing your kids at too young an age? Merck, Pfizer and GlaxoSmithKline. By convincing you that your kids are depressed, hyperactive or suffering from ADD.
In the last decade, the number of children prescribed anti-psychotic drugs in America increased by over 400%. Which means either that our children are going insane-which we might look on as a problem-or more likely, we have, for profit, created a nation of little junkies.
So, stop with the righteous indignation about predators.
This whole country is trying to get inside your kid's pants, because that's where he keeps his wallet.
I don't care - I don't care if Mark Foley had been asking boys to describe their penis because I have some sad news for you: your kid is so larded out on Cheetohs and YooHoo, he can't even see his penis.
So many of our kids are fat drug addicts nowadays, it's almost as if Rush Limbaugh had puppies!
So we can pretend that the biggest threat to our children is some creep on the Internet, or we can admit it's us.
Because when your son can't find France on a map, or touch his toes with his hands, or understand that the ads on TV are lying, including the one where the Marine turns into Lancelot-then the person f***ing him...is you.

New Rule: Republicans - Republicans must get honest about why they oppose stem cell research.
WILLIAMS: [speaking Spanish as if translating Maher's New Rule]
ROS-LEHTINEN: That's for my Miami audience.
MAHER: Oh, this is going to be a long New Rules.
WILLIAMS: [speaking French as if translating "stem cell" New Rule]
MAHER: It's not because a frozen speck on a microscope slide constitutes life.
It's because stem cell research shows promise in restoring spinal cord tissue, and that could help the Democrats.
Come on, give me one on that.
[He bumps knuckles with Ros-Lehtinen]
Come on.
WILLIAMS: Oprah! Be there!

MAHER: New Rule: President Bush's dog Barney has to run away from home.
President Bush has said he won't pull out of Iraq even if Laura and Barney are the only ones supporting him. And we know Laura isn't going to leave.
Which means the country is depending on you, Barney!
Run, boy, run!
WILLIAMS: [barks]
MAHER: Besides, President Bush doesn't love you anymore.
He's found a new pet who'll roll over on command. [slide shown of Bush embracing John McCain] [audience reacts]

New Rule: Stop telling me to go to your website for "more on the story."
We're both here now.
Why don't you tell me the whole story?
You tease.
How would you like it if I climaxed first and said, "For more on your orgasm, go to that contraption in your panty drawer."

New Rule: Since we can't get the lobbyists out of the capitol, we're going to have to move the capitol to someplace lobbyists would never set foot in, like Bed-Stuy or South Central, or a public golf course.
It's not as crazy as it sounds, because that's how Washington got moved here in the first place.
America's capitol had been in Philadelphia, and then New York.
But it was deliberately moved to a swamp in far-off Virginia in order to separate lawmaking from the moneyed interests. And okay, to keep Thomas Jefferson out of Harlem.
WILLIAMS: [as Sally Hemings] "You said I could be First Lady! Hm-mm-mm."
"We'll get back to you in 90 years."
MAHER: Now, don't get me wrong.
I love Washington, D.C., and have such fond memories of all my years coming here and touring the monuments: Archibald's, Camelot, The Gold Club and the Spearmint Rhino.
Oh, and speaking of the Rhino, if someone sees Harriet Myers, I was at her house last night and I left a small silver heart, a cross and my pants. And I'd like the cross back.
And Marion Barry, I'm sorry, but I ain't bankrollin' you no more, my brother.
You've got to buy your own.
No, I love D.C.
Where else can you see Robert Novak in his natural habitat? Hanging upside down from the rafters in an old barn.
But things have gotten out of hand down here.
The ruling class needs to take stock and remember why you went into politics in the first place: not for the money, not for the power, but to do good, to help people because you love this country.
And because no one would touch you in the private sector.
Ooh, that hit a nerve. [Williams mimes typing and sending instant message]
Campaign cash has - campaign cash become nothing less than an addiction to politicians, and the first step to overcoming an addiction is to admit you're powerless.
So if you're a Democrat, you're halfway home.
As President Bush, himself no stranger to beating an addiction, once said, "Denial ain't just a river in Libya."
He's stupid. He's stupid.
Now, I'm aware that all this may be a bit jarring to you Washingtonians in that you're saying, "But, Bill, this isn't the time to move the nation's capitol around the country, aimlessly, endlessly, like Air Force One on 9/11."
Okay, fine.
But then at least agree that from now on, all lobbyists in Washington must dress like Jack Abramoff. [slide shown of Abramoff in fedora and trenchcoat]
[Williams hums theme from "The Godfather"]
This way, when you see your senator golfing with a guy in a black trenchcoat, you'll know what's up.
And if you're a politician, and if you get caught taking money from a lobbyist, you don't lose your office, but you have to dress like the whore that you are.
[slide shown of Tom Delay in sexy drag]

(death was on sale today)

06:15pm 02/10/2006
  New Rule: It's a woman's prerogative to change her mind, but not when it comes to a man's own member. A man in China who received the first successful penis transplant had to go back to have his doctor cut it off because his wife didn't like the new one. That's right. She was literally a ball-buster. This — this poor guy lost his penis in what the news account called a "traumatic accident." You think? And his doctors somehow convinced the parents of a brain-dead man to donate their son's penis. They attached it in a delicate, 15-hour operation. And then Wifey says, "Hmm, I don't think so." And people wonder why I'm not married.

New Rule: It's okay for a black man to be the dumb guy in a commercial. It seems like in every commercial on TV, it's always the black guy who knows the fastest wireless network, knows the best car rental company, knows the best place to buy music. You know, black people aren't always smarter than white people. It just seems that way by comparison. [slide shown of Rumsfeld, Powell, Bush and Cheney]

New Rule: Until we win World War III and crush the "evil doers," in what our president calls "a struggle for civilization," all law enforcement people have to work on that and not on busting Willie Nelson.
This week, Willie Nelson, who Donald Rumsfeld calls "the number-two man in Al Qaeda," was the victim of a pointless search that revealed he had with him a mere pound and a half of marijuana. And a fifth of a pound of psychedelic mushrooms. Or as Willie calls it, "breakfast."
Yes, that's right. Cops in Louisiana this week hassled Willie Nelson, demanded he cut his hair, and shot Peter Fonda off his motorcycle. I mean, come on, Louisiana. Your state was underwater a year ago. If the man wants some of it for his bong, let him. Yes, he had mushrooms; he's a hundred-year-old hippie; they were growing in his hair!
Are we trying to send the message to other aging celebrities who might be thinking about recreational drug use? Watch out, Wilford Brimley! Alberto Gonzales wants to know what you're sprinkling on your Quaker Oats.
Let us not forget the president's words, all 12 of them. "This country," he said, "is in a fight against a lethal enemy...spinach." Which, by the way, Willie also used to smoke. But he gave it up around the time Bush got off the coke. You see, everybody's got something.
But if there's one drug above all we should be cracking down on, it's oil. Oil is the addiction. That is the addiction poisoning our lungs and our political system and our foreign policy. Willie Nelson, high though he might have been, was on a bus that didn't pollute anything, because it runs on biodiesel. But - but biodiesel threatens the profits of big oil, which means the only way we're ever going to legalize pot is to convince Bush and Cheney it's a petroleum product. And it may be. All my bongs have a carburetor.
Hemp is another product that threatens oil and timber profits because it has so many uses, like rope and biofuel and textiles. The Declaration of Independence is written on it. President Bush could use it to make another "Mission Accomplished" banner. If he could only accomplish a mission. [to Rios] "Love the sinner."
But that's hard when you lose focus. So let's focus on defending America and leave the singers and the medical marijuana patients alone. Because, believe me, when you bite into one of their special baked goods, in about 20 minutes, you'll be saying, "You're doing a heck of a job, Brownie!"

(death was on sale today)

Saddam Hussein is Hitler like Oasis was The Beatles.   
05:43pm 23/09/2006
  Aaron McGruder: [about the then-newly released "Reagan Letters", which had many re-examining the 40th President's perceived intelligence] Let's say, y'know, ten years from now we discover all these really intelligent things that "Dubya" has written. Does it somehow make it better if he was actually a genius and masterminded the dumb thing in order to manipulate people? Does that make you go back and go "Oh, that's better. He was an evil genius instead of an evil idiot."

Mario Cuomo: When President Lincoln prayed, he talked to God. When President Bush prayed, God talked to Bush.

George Carlin: [about the Bush-Kerry Debate] Finally someone stood up to the little oil pimp. This guy who somehow has managed to combine Yale intellectualism with the American cowboy myth and be completely inauthentic in both roles. That's what I see in Bush. He's an empty suit.

Tucker Carlson: I mean, look, no matter how you feel about Bush, watching him speak is difficult. It's like - it's like watching a drunk man cross an icy street.

Bill Maher: All right, speaking of brave women, I have Ann Coulter waiting for me via satellite.
Richard Belzer: I'm going to leave.
[starts to walk off]
Bill Maher: Don't! No, no, you're not! Sit right there! You know what? This is what's wrong with America. People don't even want to listen to each other. She is a friend of mine, and you will listen.
Richard Belzer: She's a Fascist Party doll! Go ahead, just show her, baby. I think she's had some work done. But go ahead.
Bill Maher: No. SHUT UP, BELZER!
[to Ann]
Bill Maher: Boy, I'm trying to defend you, baby, but it ain't easy over here.
Ann Coulter: Hey, is that Richard - is that Richard Belzer on the panel?
Bill Maher: Boy, is he.
Ann Coulter: I thought it was Osama bin Laden. I can only hear.
Bill Maher: [after the interview with Ann] Ann Coulter, ladies and gentlemen! Jesus Christ, this is what is wrong with this - and I want to get to this. You know, this is a friend of mine, and this is - I think you guys - you - this is why -
Richard Belzer: What are you talking about?
Bill Maher: No, I'm saying that people -
Richard Belzer: I've seen her hundreds of times.
Bill Maher: I know, but -
Richard Belzer: She's a repugnant person who says the most vile things. She lies. She's a liar and you know that. You just confronted her on ten different things. I mean, come on, man! Some people, you have to call them for what they are.

Sen. Alan Simpson: [Sen. Simpson becomes angry at Bill's jokes] You're making fun of Americans who have some religious bent or a faith. Keep doing that and your people will never win an election. Because whether you and I like it or not, this is the only country on the face of the earth that was founded because of religious persecution and a belief in God. That's why they left Europe. So keep making fun of them. Keep making fun of the gays and the lesbians, pulling people in, tearing people up, thinking that Hollywood has all the brains in America, from people who are making millions of bucks on one movie and telling the rest of the people, and making fun of them, and you'll never make it, never make it.
Bill Maher: You know, to quote the president, "I'm getting a mixed message from you, Senator." I mean, either I'm making fun of the religious people or I'm making fun of the gay people. I can't be doing both, can I?
Sen. Alan Simpson: Well, you just made a little crack. You know, it was funny-funny, you know. Party-party. You know, those are little cracks. Those are smart, little cracks about the gay and lesbian people. You keep telling them. I think they're offensive. And I don't have to come on this program. So put that one in your pipe!
Bill Maher: Okay, there's only one way to solve this - I challenge you to a duel!

Bill Maher: We're not running our country down when we criticize it. We're trying to make it better.

George Galloway: Christians believe in the Prophets, peace be upon them. Bush believes in the profits and how to get a piece of them

George Carlin: Jim, Jim, calm down, calm down. You began a sentence a little while ago with 'It shouldn't be a surprise'. It shouldn't be a surprise that rich, white men don't care about poor, black people, period. So they're not high on the list.
Jim Glassman: George, I love you, George, but that's nonsense.
George Carlin: I don't care if you love me or not. They're not high on the conscious or the subconscious list of those people how are in charge of things in this country, the owners. Forget these foolish elections. The owners of this country don't care about the poor, in general.
Jim Glassman: The owners of this country? What is this, Karl Marx talking to me? The owners of this country are the voters of this country.
George Carlin: No, you're wrong about that, my friend. You're absolutely wrong.
Jim Glassman: Aren't the owners of this country are the voters of this country who elected George Bush?
George Carlin: No, no, they're not. Listen, these elections are a charade, they're a charade ...
Jim Glassman: [sarcastically] Oh, okay.
George Carlin: I'll tell you, listen, just listen for a minute and learn a little something! Elections and politicians are in place in order to give Americans the ILLUSION that they have freedom of choice. You don't really have choice in this country.

(death was on sale today)

Here we go again   
02:44am 20/09/2006
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(death was on sale today)

upside down   
12:00am 25/08/2006
  umop apisdn  

(death was on sale today)

01:00am 07/08/2006
  Dwight Roam died... damn.  

(death was on sale today)

Catch up   
11:20pm 31/05/2006
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(1 Cut their wrists like cheap coupons and say | death was on sale today)

11:50pm 08/04/2006
  St Roberts got a skatepark LOL great  

(death was on sale today)

09:00am 06/04/2006
  I don't feel like talking about my personal life.... still... so here's this Read more...Collapse )  

(death was on sale today)

11:15pm 22/03/2006
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(2 Cut their wrists like cheap coupons and says | death was on sale today)

12:11am 06/03/2006
I still don't think I can picture myself as a husband. But hey, I'm trying.

(death was on sale today)

12:03am 06/03/2006
  New Rule: Ice dancing is not a sport. Take away the skates and the sequins and it's just a public wife-beating. If you saw this happening in a trailer park, you'd call the cops.

New Rule: If you're too lazy to peel your own fruit, get scurvy and die! Hoping to appeal to teenagers who say they're too busy to peel oranges, Sunkist is introducing a new pre-cut, pre-peeled snack version. Not to be outdone, Baskin-Robbins has created a new cone-less ice cream that your mother pre-chews and spits down your throat.

New Rule: Paula Abdul must go back on drugs. "American Idol" will always have a place in my heart. It's where I met Clay. And what could be more exciting than televised karaoke? But everyone knows the show is most entertaining when Paula is thick-tongued and sleepy-eyed and poised on the brink of yelling, "Who wants to do me?!"

And finally, New Rule: When a woman over 60 has a baby, it's not a miracle from God. It's a miracle from genetic engineers, fertility experts and the good people at Merck. Here in California last week, a 62-year-old woman with 11 children, 20 grandchildren and three great grandchildren, gave birth again. To a 40-year-old man who walked out.
At an age when most women are content to putter around the garden or perform the opening number at the Grammys- -Janise Wulf, age 62, told the press at a news conference, "Age is a number. Every time you revolutionize something, there's going to be naysayers." To which the reporters replied, "We're over here!"
And, lady, let me tell you something. You're not a revolutionary. You're a vagina with no off switch. Twelve kids? Let me guess. You're either a Catholic or a hamster. Look, I don't want to be the one to say that this lady is too old and she's already had enough children. But, this lady is too old and she's already had enough children!
Hey, when you're 62 and you want children, you have two choices: a) in vitro fertilization, or b) luring them into a house made out of candy.
But, in vitro fertilization is not for 62-year-old grandmothers. It's for 35-year-old lesbians.
MANJI: Too old for that.
GLOVER: I'm too old.
MANJI: Been there, done that.
MAHER: I know a little about this subject, because I recently patented a vibrating turkey-baster—ribbed for her enjoyment. And to everybody who came to my last Thanksgiving, I'm very sorry about the mix-up.
Look, I wouldn't make such a big thing out of it, but it turns out Ms. Wulf is not the first over-60-year-old to have a baby in the last decade. There is a virtual epidemic of granny-sluts who insist on squeezing out children who, when they get older, will face many uncomfortable moments, like when it's parents' day at school and the kid shows up with an urn.
Why is creating life under any conditions whatsoever so applauded when there are already millions of unwanted kids around the world? And Angelina Jolie can't save them all! In fact, somebody has got to tell this chick that sometimes when you go to a foreign country, it's okay just to bring home a tee-shirt.
I mean, it's not a crime to be an old lady, is it? In fact, one of the great things about it is that when you have sex, you don't have to worry about getting pregnant. It's like being gay, but not as cool. So don't think of it as being barren. Think of it as "Brokehip Mountain."

(death was on sale today)

12:00am 06/03/2006
  No, let's go to New Rules. How about that? All right, ready? [slide of Olympic luger] New Rule: If you play a sport where most of the speed comes from gravity, you're not an athlete, you're a weight.

New Rule: If churches don't have to pay taxes, they also can't call the fire department when they catch fire. Sorry, Reverend, that's one of those services that goes along with paying in. I'll use the fire department I pay for; you can pray for rain. Oh, I'm going to get letters on that one.

And finally, New Rule: Stop worrying that the government is listening in on your phone conversation. The person you called isn't even listening to your phone conversation. Any American in this day and age who thinks they're not being monitored is so naive and oblivious, I can't believe they're not working already for the Bush Administration.
Which...which is not to say it isn't creepy thinking of Karl Rove monitoring my emails. Which is why all of mine say the same thing: "Hey, did you hear freedom is on the march, and I quit smoking pot?" "Praise Jesus! - Bill."
But the organization that is conducting these wiretaps, the NSA, is a spy agency different from all the others, in that its only function is to listen. You know, like a husband. You know, like a husband!
And if they need to listen to keep a dirty bomb from going off in Long Beach, then I say, "Listen away." All I ask, NSA, is that you don't judge. And more importantly, if you could screen my calls. In fact, just tell everybody I'm not in. Oh, and if I say something funny during one of my phone conversations, write it down and hit me back with an email so I can use it in my next stand-up special.
So, yes, on the downside, our lives here in America are now an open book. But on the upside, Bush doesn't read books! And really, people, if you're so worried about the privacy of your cell phone calls, stop making them when you're in line at Starbucks!
Oh, please, Americans don't want privacy. They want attention! They'll put a camera in their shower and show it on the Internet! To get on television, they'll marry strangers and eat a cow's rectum, and ice dance with Todd Bridges. They're trying to get on a show called "Big Brother"!
We are a nation of exhibitionists from "me" to shining "me." And what we really fear isn't that someone's listening; it's that no one's listening. This whole country is one big desperate cry for somebody to listen to "listen to me, photograph me, Google me, read my blog!" "Read my diary; read my memoir. It's not interesting enough? I'll make shit up!"
You know that I could go on the Internet right now under my alternate screen name, "CherryXXX69," and get complete strangers to email me a picture of their scrotum. I tell you, this country gave the finger to privacy a long time ago.
In fact, I have reason to believe I'm being videotaped right now. Great to be back.

(death was on sale today)

12:00am 22/01/2006
  I'm never around anymore...  

(death was on sale today)

WHo knew he was still even ALIVE?   
12:41am 14/01/2006
  Johns won't face death penalty in murder

The Missouri Supreme Court has ruled that a mentally retarded man from Pulaski County will not face the death penalty in a Camden County killing.

The Court announced the decision on Jan. 10 in the case of Alis Ben Johns, 45.

Johns is currently serving a life sentence without parole in the 1996 murder of Thomas Stewart, 31, Dixon. After that murder Johns eluded authorities for six months and allegedly committed more crimes, including the killing of Newton County resident Wilma Bragg, to which he later pleaded guilty.

In 2001, state prosecutors charged Johns with the murder of Leonard A. Voyles who lived in the Richland area in Camden County and were seeking the death penalty in that case.

Johns filed a postconviction motion for relief from his first-degree murder conviction and death sentence in Pulaski County. After finding that he is mentally retarded, a Pulaski County court changed Johns’ sentence in the Stewart murder from death to life in prison.

Jones then sought to prohibit the state, which is prosecuting him for first-degree murder in Camden County, from seeking the death penalty in that case.

After hearing arguments last month, the State Supreme Court ruled that “the state is bound by the earlier judgment of mental retardation” and cannot seek the death penalty against Johns.

According to the decision summary, “The motion court determined that Johns is not eligible for the death penalty under Atkins v. Virginia, 536 U.S. 304 (2002), and section 565.030, RSMo 2000, because he is mentally retarded. The state did not appeal that decision, which now is final.”

“Because collateral estoppel applies here, the state is bound by the Pulaski County judgment finding that Johns is mentally retarded and, therefore, is prohibited from seeking the death penalty in the Camden County case. A writ of prohibition is appropriate. Regardless of whether the prosecutor might waive the death penalty or the jury might not impose it, the Camden County trial court lacks the authority to act to treat the case as one in which the death penalty is sought.”

(1 Cut their wrists like cheap coupons and say | death was on sale today)

11:35pm 18/12/2005
mood: amused
Why Everyone Should love Chuck Norris:

Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.

When Chuck Norris plays 'Oregon Trail', his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.

Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.

A man once asked Chuck Norris if his real name is "Charles". Chuck Norris did not respond, he simply stared at him until he exploded.

Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.

To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and acquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. (Beat that, Lance Armstrong!)

The original theme song to the Transformers was actually "Chuck Norris--more than meets the eye, Chuck Norris--robot in disguise," and starred Chuck Norris as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth from drug-dealing Decepticons and could turn into a pick-up. This was far too much awesome for a single show, however, so it was divided.

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.

Helen Keller's favorite color is Chuck Norris.

When Chuck Norris has sex with a man, it is not because he is gay, but because he has run out of women.

MacGyver can build an airplane out of gum and paper clips, but Chuck Norris can kill him and take it.

Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.

Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds till." After you ask, "Two seconds to what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.

Chuck Norris appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick.

When asked bout this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's no glitch."

Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.

Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent.

Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back.

The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her throat...

Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of "beard". Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other wisemen, jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.

There are no disabled people, only people who have met Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris does not have AIDS but he gives it to people anyway.

Chuck Norris uses ribbed condoms inside out, so he gets the pleasure.

There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist.

It was once believed that Chuck Norris actually lost a fight to a pirate, but that is a lie, created by Chuck Norris himself to lure more pirates to him. Pirates never were very smart.

Chuck Norris frequently donates blood to the Red Cross. Just never his own.

Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting infers the probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.

The term "carnivore" was invented after Chuck Norris was spotted at a carnival eating babies.

Chuck Norris never wet his bed as a child. The bed wet itself out of fear.

A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.

A blind man once stepped on Chuck Norris' shoe. Chuck replied, "Don't you know who I am? I'm Chuck Norris!" The mere mention of his name cured this man blindness. Sadly the first, last, and only thing this man ever saw, was a fatal roundhouse delivered by Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris eats steak for every single meal. Most times he forgets to kill the cow.

The grass is always greener on the other side, unless Chuck Norris has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.

If Chuck Norris had a dime for every man that didn't die from his roundhouse kick, he would have no dimes.

Chuck Norris kills Asians in his spare time because he hates it when people squint at him.

Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry. Chuck Norris ate a fucking Indian.

The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris's fist.

When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes ever.

Chuck Norris won Jumanji without ever saying the word. He simply beat the living shit out of everything that was thrown at him, and the game forfeited.

and Vin Diesel:

Vin Diesel once walked down the street with a massive erection. There were no survivors.

If you rearrange the letters in Vin Diesel it reveals his credo: "I End Lives."

There is no "I" in team. There are two "I"s in Vin Diesel. Fuck you, team.

When Vin Diesel drinks pee, his asparagus smells funny.

There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Vin Diesel allows to live.

When Vin Diesel goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.

In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Vin Diesel could use to kill you, including the room itself.

When Vin Diesel was born, the nurse said, "Holy crap! That's Vin Diesel!" Then she had had sex with him. At that point, she was the third girl he had slept with.

The French did not send the Statue of Liberty to the United States as a sign of peace. They just wanted to see if Vin Diesel could fuck a 300 foot bronze woman.

Crop circles are Vin's way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie the fuck down.

When Vin Diesel jumps into a body of water, he doesn't get wet. The water gets Vin instead.

Vin Diesel is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.

Vin Diesel has two speeds: walk and kill.

Vin Diesel is not lactose intolerant, he just refuses to put up with lactose's shit.

Vin Diesel can divide by zero.

Vin Diesel has always been able to find Waldo, except for one time. He found himself stumped on the last page of Where's Waldo Now?, not being able to find the Waldo without a shoe. He threw the book down and screamed, "This is BULLSHIT!" They're all wearing shoes." He then proceeded to eat the book and exclaim, "IF I CAN'T FIND WALDO, THEN NO ONE CAN!" The book he ate belonged to a child that he had borrowed it from. The child began to cry and Vin ate him for good measure. The incident has since been refered to as Christmas.

You are what you eat. That is why Vin Diesel's diet consists entirely of bricks, steel, and the tears of small children.

Vin Diesel once beat Super Mario Bros 3 without even touching his Nintendo controller. He just yelled at his TV in between bites of his "Filet of Child" sandwich, and the game beat itself out of fear.

In fine print at on the last page of the Guiness Book of World Records it notes that all world records are held by Vin Diesel, and those listed in the book are simply the closest anyone has ever come to matching him.

Vin Diesel can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.

Vin Diesel is the reason why Waldo is hiding. 15

If you were to lock Vin Diesel in a room with a guitar, a year later you would have the greatest album ever, it would sweep the Grammy's. When asked why he doesn't do this Vin replied "Because Grammy's are for queers." Then he ate a knife to show the seriousness of his response.

Vin Diesel played Russian Roulete with a fully loaded gun and won.

Vin Diesel doesn't believe in rubber condoms. Instead, he sticks his penis in a girl, and uses that girl as a condom while fucking another.

The eternal conundrum "what happens when an unstoppable force meets an immovable object" was finally solved when Vin Diesel punched himself in the face.

On his birthday, Vin Diesel randomly selects one lucky child to be thrown into the sun.

Vin Diesel invented black. In fact, he invented the entire spectrum of visible light. Except pink. Tom Cruise invented pink.

When Vin Diesel does a pushup, he isn't lifting himself up, he's pushing the Earth down.

Vin Diesel was the hunter who shot Bambi's Mother. He then wore her carcass like it was a coat while he made his rounds at the local children's hospital.

Whenever Vin Diesel puts out a cigarette, he throws it in slow motion into a long line of gasoline and calmly walks away as an inferno erupts behind him.

(3 Cut their wrists like cheap coupons and says | death was on sale today)