And I'd like to add that you're also uninformed, obsessed with your looks, lack moral standards, and dress like a whore.
And what are you doing Saturday?
New Rule: Shorten the Oscars by getting rid of Live Action Short, Animated Short, Documentary Short.
Why should your 12-minute movie make our TV show take four hours? Give them their own special night and air it only in Hungary, Germany and Quebec.
The apparent mega-hubs of the short film industry.
Have it hosted by a violinist, a Holocaust survivor and a bear made out of clay. And make it four minutes long.
New Rule: The Chinese community must explain why Chinese restaurants are never open for breakfast.
There's a billion of you. You can't all be sleeping in.
I'll make you a deal. You tell me why you're not open for breakfast, and I'll tell you how to get back on the freeway.
I kid the Asians.
I got mad love for the Asians.
Don't write me.
And finally, New Rule: If you don't think your daughter getting cancer is worse than your daughter having sex, you're doing it wrong.
Last year, modern medicine came up with a way to greatly reduce cervical cancer in young women. It's a vaccine that can virtually wipe out the sexually-transmitted disease called HPV, which leads to the cancer.
But not everyone is pleased with this vaccine.
There are Christian values groups and churches nationwide who are fighting it.
Briget Maher – no relation–and none planned – formerly of the Family Research Council– says giving girls the vaccine is bad because– quote – "the girls may see it as a license to engage in pre-marital sex."
Hey, Mrs. Maher, let me tell you something. Your daughter is already on the Internet exchanging bondage fantasies with a German boy she met on MySpace.
Forget HPV. She's on to S&M.
And Mrs. Maher, I'm sure I don't have to tell you there's only one foolproof method to make a woman abstinent: marry her.
So, let's review here. HPV is a new STD that the CDC wants teens vaccinated for PDQ.
And that's not sitting well with the Harper Valley PTA.
They think if a teenage girl feels a little prick, she's going to want to feel a whole lot more.
But, HPV shots don't cause promiscuity. Tequila shots do. And MTV. And having moron parents you want to escape from.
Hey, when you're 15 years old, breathing encourages sexual activity.
But, let's be frank. These values groups aren't just against the HPV shot. They're against family planning and condoms and morning-after pills.
They want to make sure sex is as dangerous as possible, so that kids know if they sleep around and get an STD, that's God teaching them a lesson. And that lesson is: "You should never have tried out for 'American Idol' in the first place!"
Now, I know our kids are dumb.
I just read it in a New Rule.
But, will they really have sex with anything that moves just because they know there's a vaccine?
People don't get the vaccine for typhoid and say, "Great, now I can drink the sewer water in Bombay!"
It's like being against a cure for blindness because it'll encourage masturbation!
It's like being for the salmonella poisoning in peanut butter because it will discourage weirdos from spreading it on their ass and calling the dog!
If this is the nonsense you're teaching your kids, they're already screwed.
New Rule: The mannequins at the Nike Workout Store must either sprout a penis or lose the boobs.
I'm there to pick up a new pair of sneakers, not a post-op tranny.
And if all I wanted was to have sex with myself, I wouldn't bother working out to begin with.
New Rule: You can't call yourself a "Diva" unless you're a plus-size and extremely talented.
Aretha Franklin is a diva.
Jennifer Hudson, a diva in training.
You, on the other hand, are a 17-year-old white girl from Orange County whose daddy gave you a 280-Z for your birthday.
If you act like a diva but don't sing, you're what opera lovers just call "a bitch."
This has been a Black History Month Moment.
And finally, New Rule: Hillary Clinton will never be president as long as women keep acting crazy.
Now, I know this is not fair. Men don't have to answer for every time Mel Gibson gets drunk and channels Hitler. Or Charlie Sheen hits a hooker over the head with another hooker.
But, the truth is, there are too many misogynists out there just itching for any excuse to say that women are too emotional and unstable to be president.
I mean, you know how these guys think: women are ruled by their hormones. As opposed to what a president should be ruled by: the oil and gas lobby.
Believe me, there are men out there who think a woman president might get PMS and do something completely rash, like start a war with the wrong country.
So...so when Britney Spears shaved her head on an impulse last week, all I could think was one thing.
Well, after I thought, hey, the drapes finally match the carpet. But, after that, all I could think of, was that between now and 2008, every time a prominent woman goes bat-shit, it's just going to give ammunition to the 34% of Americans who say this country is not ready for a woman president.
And, Paula Abdul, I'm sorry, you're not helping!
Astronaut lady with the diapers... Huggies, we have a problem.
Now, I'm not saying Mariah Carey could cost Hillary this election. I'm just saying that until November 2008, we're going to have to sweep up the usual suspects. After that, you can go back to acting out all you want.
But until then, Courtney Love has to be chained to a rehab radiator.
Lindsay Lohan, "Drink Canada Dry" is a slogan, not a dare.
And Anna Nicole Smith, you need to get your ass buried! You're decomposing faster than CNN's reputation! You are literally late for your own funeral!
And Paris Hilton, I know you're probably really a sweet girl, but you'll have to be euthanized. You're the ringleader. We've got to cut the head off.
And, of course, above all, no one – no one marries Tom Cruise.
It just seems to me that we may be on the brink of the female presidency version of a Jackie Robinson moment, which I would love to see in my lifetime.
So I've said it before and I'll say it again: "Bill Maher has no problem pulling his lever for a woman."
New Rules. That's right. New Rules.
[slide of Rev. Ted Haggard]
Oh, and there he is, Ted Haggard.
Well, you can't make a gay man 100% straight in less than a month, especially if that month contains Fashion Week.
A month to change your sexuality?
I spent longer than that on hold trying to quit AOL!
Guys like Ted Haggard can't just claim to be cured of homosexuality. They should be forced to blow into some sort of "Dickalyzer."
FERGUSON: Why was there a picture of me when you said, "Dickalyzer?" Why?!
FERGUSON: Am I a Dickalyzer to you?! Suddenly, I'm the Dickalyzer! Kids are going to call me that on the street!
MAHER: I'm -- I'm trying to get you're your citizenship.
FERGUSON: Oh, all right.
New Rule: Activists have to stop preying on my liberal sympathies outside of Whole Foods.
I know my signature is vital to the anti-war movement, clean needle programs, music in schools, a free Tibet, and the fight against autism in gay polar bears...But I just need some hummus and a can of pinto beans.
And if you're going to keep shoving clipboards in my assistant's face, how is she going to do my shopping?!
New Rule: Members of Congress have to stop referring to the other party as their "friend from the other side of the aisle."
Please, you're a Republican from Mississippi; he's Barney Frank. You two aren't friends. You're a reality show on Fox.
In the future, just be a man about it and say, "I yield back my time to that little shit from North Carolina who won't shut up about Nancy Pelosi's plane."
And finally, New Rule: There's more to being smart than just not misspeaking.
A couple of weeks ago, Senator Joe Biden's presidential campaign hit the ground flopping when he described Barack Obama as "articulate and clean." But if you think he's a racist, you're just playing "gotcha."
Yes, the remark was cringe-worthy. It always is when someone old and out of touch says something creepy.
Even a Chinaman knows that!
However, when it comes to the most important issue of the day, it was this same Joe Biden who recognized first that Iraq was going to end up three countries, and that that wasn't necessarily a bad thing. And I agree.
So what if Iraq gets broken up. It's a made-up country anyway.
There's only been an Iraq since 1932. It's seven years younger than Paul Newman.
So, the guy who gets it on the big issue of the day, he can't run because he said a black man was "clean."
And we care more about a one-second verbal brain fart than we do about who has the right answers.
Howard Dean has been a virtual Nostradamus on predicting what would happen in Iraq from the beginning, but he can't be president because he once shouted, "Yee-haw!"-- two decibels above what we, as Americans, know to be the appropriate level for "Yee-haw!" He's out.
He screamed louder than the crowd screaming at him.
And the media acted like grandpa just yelled out the "n" word at a ballgame.
John Kerry just botched a joke.
But it was about the troops. [does falsetto gasp]
So John Kerry, another guy who gets it about how to fight terrorism, he has to go away.
Which I'm actually okay with, because watching him run again would be like watching Rex Grossman play another Super Bowl.
This is why I say every candidate must come out now and say or do the stupidest thing they possibly can, and get it out of the way!
Hillary Clinton must mispronounce South Carolina, "Mouth Vagina."
Barack Obama must tell people he's - quote - "bigger than Jesus."
Mitt Romney must pledge allegiance to the "fag."
Rudy Giuliani has to declare at a press conference that he's cheating on his wife, but it's okay because he's undergoing cancer treatment and he can't get an erection anyway... Oh, he did? My bad.
So, does this mean that Joe Biden or Howard Dean should automatically be president? Of course not.
But next time some real nasty shit happens to this country, remember, it might have something to do with our election process having turned into an episode of "Survivor."