Mario Cuomo: When President Lincoln prayed, he talked to God. When President Bush prayed, God talked to Bush.
George Carlin: [about the Bush-Kerry Debate] Finally someone stood up to the little oil pimp. This guy who somehow has managed to combine Yale intellectualism with the American cowboy myth and be completely inauthentic in both roles. That's what I see in Bush. He's an empty suit.
Tucker Carlson: I mean, look, no matter how you feel about Bush, watching him speak is difficult. It's like - it's like watching a drunk man cross an icy street.
Bill Maher: All right, speaking of brave women, I have Ann Coulter waiting for me via satellite.
Richard Belzer: I'm going to leave.
[starts to walk off]
Bill Maher: Don't! No, no, you're not! Sit right there! You know what? This is what's wrong with America. People don't even want to listen to each other. She is a friend of mine, and you will listen.
Richard Belzer: She's a Fascist Party doll! Go ahead, just show her, baby. I think she's had some work done. But go ahead.
Bill Maher: No. SHUT UP, BELZER!
Bill Maher: Boy, I'm trying to defend you, baby, but it ain't easy over here.
Ann Coulter: Hey, is that Richard - is that Richard Belzer on the panel?
Bill Maher: Boy, is he.
Ann Coulter: I thought it was Osama bin Laden. I can only hear.
Bill Maher: [after the interview with Ann] Ann Coulter, ladies and gentlemen! Jesus Christ, this is what is wrong with this - and I want to get to this. You know, this is a friend of mine, and this is - I think you guys - you - this is why -
Richard Belzer: What are you talking about?
Bill Maher: No, I'm saying that people -
Richard Belzer: I've seen her hundreds of times.
Bill Maher: I know, but -
Richard Belzer: She's a repugnant person who says the most vile things. She lies. She's a liar and you know that. You just confronted her on ten different things. I mean, come on, man! Some people, you have to call them for what they are.
Sen. Alan Simpson: [Sen. Simpson becomes angry at Bill's jokes] You're making fun of Americans who have some religious bent or a faith. Keep doing that and your people will never win an election. Because whether you and I like it or not, this is the only country on the face of the earth that was founded because of religious persecution and a belief in God. That's why they left Europe. So keep making fun of them. Keep making fun of the gays and the lesbians, pulling people in, tearing people up, thinking that Hollywood has all the brains in America, from people who are making millions of bucks on one movie and telling the rest of the people, and making fun of them, and you'll never make it, never make it.
Bill Maher: You know, to quote the president, "I'm getting a mixed message from you, Senator." I mean, either I'm making fun of the religious people or I'm making fun of the gay people. I can't be doing both, can I?
Sen. Alan Simpson: Well, you just made a little crack. You know, it was funny-funny, you know. Party-party. You know, those are little cracks. Those are smart, little cracks about the gay and lesbian people. You keep telling them. I think they're offensive. And I don't have to come on this program. So put that one in your pipe!
Bill Maher: Okay, there's only one way to solve this - I challenge you to a duel!
Bill Maher: We're not running our country down when we criticize it. We're trying to make it better.
George Galloway: Christians believe in the Prophets, peace be upon them. Bush believes in the profits and how to get a piece of them
George Carlin: Jim, Jim, calm down, calm down. You began a sentence a little while ago with 'It shouldn't be a surprise'. It shouldn't be a surprise that rich, white men don't care about poor, black people, period. So they're not high on the list.
Jim Glassman: George, I love you, George, but that's nonsense.
George Carlin: I don't care if you love me or not. They're not high on the conscious or the subconscious list of those people how are in charge of things in this country, the owners. Forget these foolish elections. The owners of this country don't care about the poor, in general.
Jim Glassman: The owners of this country? What is this, Karl Marx talking to me? The owners of this country are the voters of this country.
George Carlin: No, you're wrong about that, my friend. You're absolutely wrong.
Jim Glassman: Aren't the owners of this country are the voters of this country who elected George Bush?
George Carlin: No, no, they're not. Listen, these elections are a charade, they're a charade ...
Jim Glassman: [sarcastically] Oh, okay.
George Carlin: I'll tell you, listen, just listen for a minute and learn a little something! Elections and politicians are in place in order to give Americans the ILLUSION that they have freedom of choice. You don't really have choice in this country.