New Rule: Stop making me look at this picture. [photo of ad about hepatitis and HIV featuring battered face]
I don't even know what this ad wants me to do. Donate money? Buy medicine? Consider Mickey Rourke for an Oscar? Leave me alone.
It's hard enough to read my magazines with those fungus monsters that live on my toes.
New Rule: There's no such thing as a "gateway" candy.
Legislators in Georgia are seeking a ban on "pot-flavored" candy, calling it a "gateway" product to other drugs.
Okay, now you're high. And, kids, listen to Uncle Bill: if you're smoking pot for the taste, you're doing it wrong.
New Rule: For the rest of his trial, Saddam Hussein has to be put in that Hannibal Lecter thing.
It'll cut down on the outbursts.
Plus, we need him to look evil. Instead of what he looks like right now: a viable option.
New Rule: Let me handle the New Rules!
The NFL—the "No Fun League"—this week, banned any prolonged or excessive end zone dances.
No dropping to the ground and no group celebrations. Although group sex later on a boat, fine.
But, come on, when a man does something truly heroic, like carry a little ball across a line—shouldn't he be allowed to dance?
This is—this is America in the age of Bush. What part of "Gloating is good" don't you get?
New Rule: There is a place to stop the dancing, and that would be in commercials.
Folks, if furniture polish makes you dance around the house, you're drinking too much of it. If you're waltzing with the Domino's guy, or if your hay fever medication causes you to air-tango in a wheat field—perhaps you've accidentally slipped yourself a "roofy."
Besides, if you really want people dancing around your house, do what I did: put in a stripper pole.
I did not...It came with the house.
New Rule: People who run everything can't complain that they're underdogs.
To whit, this week, there was a highly-attended conference in Washington called "The War on Christians." Because nothing quite says "I'm oppressed," like the opulent Regency Ballroom of the Omni Shoreham Hotel.
Ah, yes, whatever happened to that plucky little cult, Christianity?
Oh, that's right, they're 80% of the American people, and have taken over all three branches of government, country music, public schools, the bestseller list, and until recently, Katie Holmes.
You know, Christians, I don't mind that you're part of a dress-up cult that hates sex and worships magic but the paranoia, that does scare me.
Did you know that the Missouri legislature recently felt the need to propose a resolution declaring Christianity Missouri's majority religion.
Really, you mean people aren't saying, "Gosh, I'd like to go to Missouri, but...to Jewish."
In Savannah, recently, a children's book about a baby penguin who is raised by two male penguins - ahh! - was removed from the library for its homosexual overtones. Because you know penguins, in those tuxedos, with the dreamy eyes. Huge fags!
The Christian right are now officially the party of paranoia.
Secularists are attacking Christmas! Gays are attacking marriage! Liberals are attacking values! White girls are being abducted at an alarming rate!
You know, if you're going to be that paranoid all the time, just get high.
And the worst part is, the people bitching loudest about being persecuted for their Christianity aren't Christians at all. They're demagogues and conmen and scolds. And the only thing they worship is power.
If you believe Jesus ever had a good word for war or torture or tax cuts for the rich, or raping the earth, or refusing water to dying migrants, then you might as well believe bunnies lay painted eggs.
And Jesus - and Jesus never said a word about gay marriage. He was much too busy hanging out with 12 guys.
Now - now I know George Bush says Jesus Christ changed his heart. But believe me, Dick Cheney changed it back.
The only thing Bush has in common with Jesus is they both went into their father's business and got crucified for it.
Thomas Jefferson called the type of Christian who trumpets his own belief in the divinity of Jesus rather than the morality of Jesus "pseudo-Christians." And that's who's running our country today.
And since they thrive so much on turning water into "whining"—and get off on their endless pretend persecution, this Easter season, let's give them what they want. Let's go to the zoo, get some lions, and feed them Tom DeLay.