New Rule: President Bush has to stop saying that, "before 9/11, we thought oceans could protect us."
No, we didn't.
Maybe in your world, the oceans were like America's moat—and you were king, and Condie was a Nubian princess. But in our world, we knew that our enemies, evil though they may be, had figured out boats and flying machines.
New Rule, and this one is for the kids: Kids, if you're going to bring cocaine to class, make sure you bring enough for everyone.
This week, a second-grader in Philadelphia brought 18 bags of cocaine to school and passed it around.
Boy, there's a switch. Going in the sandbox and getting "crack in your sand." Then at recess, one kid tried to fly a kite, but he'd done so much blow, he couldn't get it up.
New Rule: I'm sorry you got beaten up by Yanni, but when you roll with a brother this motherf***in' hardcore, you can't call 5-0 when he plays a little rough.
New Rule: The only drug sold at Wal-Mart should be pot in the parking lot.
Wal-Mart has announced that they will now dispense the "morning-after" contraceptive pill, because nothing says to a young lady, "I really care," like a trip to Wal-Mart.
Besides, Wal-Mart shoppers already have access to the most effective form of birth control: watching how children behave at Wal-Mart.
New Rule: Stop saying "Brokeback Mountain" lost Best Picture because of a homosexual backlash.
The only homosexual backlash in Hollywood involves an actual homosexual literally hitting you on the back with a lash.
Besides, if "Brokeback Mountain" taught us anything, it's that there's nothing wrong with coming in number-two.
New Rule: Consenting adults, not governments, must be the ones to decide what constitutes a marriage.
But if you applaud that for gay marriage, you have to applaud it for polygamy. Which comes from "poly" meaning "many" and "gamy" meaning a musky odor in the bedroom.
Now, by now, I'm sure you've heard how the Mormons are upset about a new HBO show called "Sex With the Entire City." But, you know, Mormons should just be happy that Scientology came along and made them the second-weirdest.
But, for everybody else, if you really are for the principle that all families don't have to look alike, then you have to admit polygamy is hot!
And if you take the husband out, it's even hotter!
That's right. I'm not only for polygamy, I'm for gay polygamy. Okay, lesbian polygamy. But, really, I'm for any sexual perversion the Swedes can dream up and the Japanese can make disgusting.
So - so when the conservatives say gay marriage could lead to polygamous marriage, I say, "Quit selling, Jesus-freak. You had me at 'hello.'"
Now, it comes down to who decides what love is, and what commitment means.
The government? A church? No, sadly, it's Dr. Phil. Who, it was in the news last week, is selling his Ferrari.
That's right. It turns out we've all been taking relationship advice from the "fat middle-aged, bald guy who drives a Ferrari!"
Which, of course, is Italian for "I'm not banging my wife."
It's also all the evidence you need that the dirty little secret about polygamy is that it really does suit human nature.
Because middle-aged women, they don't want that fat, beer-breathed old coot climbing on them anyway! So, ladies, why not let the latest-to-be-hired do the crummiest job. Just like at the office.
Maybe it's monogamy that just isn't natural.
And don't tell me about the prairie vole. Yes, the prairie vole is monogamous. That's because it has no cash.
Also, all voles look alike. They have no idea if they're screwing or masturbating.
But the question all women have to look in the mirror and ask themselves is, "Would you rather be the second wife of George Clooney or the only wife of Willard Scott?"
New Rule: When President Bush—[laughter at photo of Bush with autistic young man] — when President Bush meets an autistic teenager, they must wear name tags so we can tell them apart.
New Rule: You can't be as tired as we are of you.
The latest excuse for Bush Administration foul-ups is that top members of the White House staff are physically and emotionally exhausted. ["aw" from the audience]
Hmm. If there was just some sort of stress-relieving activity that could be performed right there in the Oval Office...
BELZER: Great job.
MAHER: Yeah, well, I'd suggest a nice vacation out in the country, but the last time that happened, somebody got shot.